Reflect.

This will be a wordyish entry, doesn't have much to do with FFXI and has a somewhat depressing tone! Just skip over it if you're only here for the FFXI-related stuffs.

Have you ever looked in the mirror (metaphorical or physical) and not recognised the person you see? Obviously, as we all move through life, things change. Friendships and loves are won and lost; we encounter numerous failures and hopefully even greater successes. We take strength from our victories and move on from our defeats.

What then is the price of this development, this personal evolution of sorts? Throughout my life I have drifted apart from and lost many good friends and some of my naive, compassionate childhood outlook on life has been transformed into cold calculation. Why do I dislike, even almost hate some people? People who often have personally done nothing against me ...

I've been reflecting both on my real life and my ingame life recently; both of which have changed significantly. In real life, I don't drink alcohol and do not enjoy those types of parties which has led to ostracisation in some ways. People take these things for granted and just dismiss me and my foolish perspectives on fun unaware of the damage they cause. The fact remains: I am not accepted. I am perhaps hated for what and who I am. This in turn fosters hatred in me -- hatred I do not want and do not enjoy! It is not a hatred for the individual but instead the ideas of the individual as a unit group. In short, it is a hatred for the status quo of the "youth".

This projects itself in FFXI as a temporary hatred towards competing HNMLSs. Why should I hate them? We are not enemies, but rivals for the same goal. Can I really fault them for achieving success when one of us must? Nevertheless, there is anger. Anger and hatred I do not want... again, not towards individuals but towards the concept of competition as a whole. Maybe I'm spoiled, I don't know. It's certainly a temporary thing though and I am sorry for anyone whom I have lashed out at.

Hatred is corruption. It corrupts the purest things within all of us. I value love above all else; love and affection are the two things in life to live for and I try to remain compassionate towards everyone... but their hatred or perhaps pity can evoke a hatred in me which I do not want and which twists me.

Looking at my FFXI friend list... 75% of people on it I do not talk to anymore for whatever reason... either quit, on other servers or simply drifted apart. In real life, I don't talk to 75%+ of people I once knew well. It's truly disturbing to be honest... everyone uses the idea that "you will meet new people" but people are not quantitative. I appreciate every moment I spend with my friends and I still feel the loss of many of my friends acutely. I guess the message is to hold on with all of your might; don't let relationships just become a memory. Time is the greatest of enemies.

Even now I have likely lost a close friend due to many arguments and perhaps because of the darkness dormant in me. As I restate, a darkness -- a hatred that I do not want any part of. Oh well, loss is one of the parts of life and with luck it won't be permanent.

I'm not depressed contrary to how this entry sounds; I just like expressing my ideas powerfully!